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Editorials 
Top 10: Rejected Gamecube Slogans
- By Kevlar
Gorilla
With slogans like “Now you’re playing with power”, “Play it loud”, “Life Advanced”, and now “Born to Play”, Nintendo had to leave a few slogans on the thinking room floor. Here, I present to you, the Nintendo fanboyz, ten (10) shiny ideas that were once considered, but didn’t quite tickle NOA's coporate fancy.
10)“You’ll play until you stop”
What? You will.. won’t you? This advertising strategy is based on truth. The ads will consist of the world’s most obvious pictures and shiny phrases like “You like to play games that you like”, “The sky is blue”, and “I bet you that if you really did break some bricks by jumping into them, then it would really hurt!”.
9)“Mom approved”
This is an opportunity to show Nintendo’s wholesome, family-oriented side. Nintendo’s buyer audience is females aged 30-45, so why not tell the kids about it. It’s official, moms say Nintendo is “cool”. Quite chilly even! (A joke only a mother would love).
8)“C'mon... everybody’s doing it ”
Peer pressure at it’s finest. Here, I could add a shameful plug about how Mario gets his strength from some sort of shiny magical mushroom, but I won’t.
7)“If you beat the game fast enough, you get to see a skimpily-clad lady”
Sex and violence sells. Both of these good-time items are found in Metroid. Plus, if the game is beaten quickly, the consumer will want something new and buy another shiny game. I smell a winner.
6)“It’s the legend of Zelda and it’s really rad...”
If you haven’t already, I highly recommend viewing the shiny original Legend of Zelda 1980's commercial. You can stream/download it right here. Can’t go wrong with the classics.
5)“Have you ever wanted to play video games with a 405Mhz IBM architecture with a custom ATI graphics chip clocked at 205Mhz so that you can play Nintendo licensed games at 60fps at 480i with 6:1 texture compression, full anti-aliasing, and shiny Z-buffer tri-filtering on your Panasonic 32" HDTV?”
Well now you can!
4)“Who needs sleep?”
Pull all nighters with your faithful quadrilateral prism by your side. Rest is for the weary. You were supposed to sleep before you got the system, not after.
3)“More fun than a mid-term exam”
Write a lousy paper vs. save the world. The choice is yours. Shiny.
2)“Welcome to the next level”
Wait a minute, this is vaguely familiar. So sue us if great minds think alike. But didn’t we bash this with “Why go to the next level, when you can go light years beyond”?
(Whomever e-mails me first with the correct name of the company/game that these two slogans were from, gets a prize!) kevlar_gorilla@hotmail.com
1)“Gamecube: just plain shinier”
A scientist comes in with a Gamecube and a chart. “Here we have the shininess rating of several video gaming consoles in LRS (the official luster rating scale). See that Nintendo’s party machine is at the level of 78 LRS while the competition is significantly lower at 23.2 LRS. Note that this is a logarithmic scale.” I personally think that the Gamecube has more of an intense warm glow than the harsh glare of some other consoles.
Agree with what I'm saying? Disagree? Let us know your thoughts on this issue in our mail bag. The views of Kevlar Gorilla are not necessarily the views of NGenres.com or its affiliates.
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